Dear Donald,

My husband left me for a yoga instructor. He says I’m no longer the woman he married. I feel like the same person inside, so I suspect his true reason for leaving me is he no longer finds me attractive. I admit I’ve gained a few pounds since we got married, but he has, too. 

Doesn’t love trump (no pun intended) physical appearance? 

Feeling Rejected

 

Dear Reject.

I don’t like puns. People always say “no pun intended” when they use my name as a synonym for outdo or surpass, but they’re almost always lying. Try using the word “eclipse” instead of my name. Okay? I’m suing Merriam Webster and a kindergarten teacher from Milwaukee for copyright infringement. I’ve worked very hard building my brand, and it’s a great, great brand.

Regarding your question, love can Trump® physical appearance. However, this is only true in limited situations, like, for example, if the wife is equally hot as the mistress. Still, you can’t blame a guy for leaving his wife for a woman who’s hotter. And if she’s hot and a yoga instructor, the sex must be outrageously better than what he’s getting at home. Have you thought about taking some yoga classes?

How much weight have you gained? If you’re tall - both Melania and Ivanka are 5’ 11” - you can get away with gaining up to five pounds without risking your marriage. Multi-billionaires like me usually have BMI clauses in our prenups.

I’ve been divorced twice and I know it was devastating to my ex-wives. You should take solace in knowing you are not alone; the vast majority of American women are pigs.

Hope this helps.

Donald

Dear Donald,

My wife and I recently relocated to New York from Evansville, Indiana, for her new job. I’m currently between careers. We can live off my wife’s salary comfortably, not by your standards, of course, but I’m already getting bored. My wife said I should try flipping houses in New York. I think it’s a pretty smart idea. Got any advice for a country boy new to the big city?

Hoosier Jim

Dear Hoser Jim,

My first piece of advice for you is to grow some balls, or at least hang some truck nuts from your belt. Your wife’s career comes first? She’s at work and you’re at home playing house hubby. Pathetic. 

As for flipping houses in Manhattan, I think it’s a great idea, and I’m sure the women in your coffee klatch would agree. If it weren’t for the unfair treatment of me and my prestigious Trump University by a sad and broken U.S. legal system, you could be a multi-millionaire by next week. Fortunately, you can still buy my best-selling books. I wrote every word of them, even the copyright pages and the Amazon product details. The title alone of Think Big and Kick Ass is worth the purchase price. Remember, the more copies you buy, the better chance for success you’ll have.

Finally, a word of warning: Manhattan real estate is expensive. A condo the size of your chicken coop back in Hicksville or Podunkburg, or wherever the blaze you’re from is $4,000,000. Do you have that kind of money? I bet you don’t. Does anyone in Indiana have that kind of money?

Hope this helps.

Donald

Dear Donald,

I just found out the name of the young man my daughter has been dating isn’t Paul, like she told me. It’s Pablo. He’s a Mexican. My daughter told me Pablo’s family has been in California since 1837, when Antonio Bustamante made one of his ancestors governor of Alta California. But a Mexican is still a Mexican, even if he is a member of the Stanford the Law Review, right?

I’m uneasy about my daughter dating a Mexican and, frankly, a little concerned for her safety. Would you let your daughter date a Mexican?

Worried Mom

Dear Worrisome Mom,

It depends on which daughter you’re talking about. I have two. As for my sons, I’m not sure I would let any of them date a Mexican woman either. A spicy Colombian or Venezuelan Miss Universe contestant would clearly be okay. If she were Miss Honduras, probably not. Fortunately, Muslim countries don’t participate in Miss Universe, so that’s one less worry I have as the father of three sons.

So, my advice for you today is don’t let her date a Mexican. They can’t be trusted. You should rescue her before Pablo rapes her, if he hasn’t already. On second thought, you might want to wait a week or so. My advice may change.

Hope this helps.

Donald

Dear Donald,

My father told me only homosexuals wear cufflinks, although he phrased it differently. Can this be true?

Melvin in Tacoma

Dear, uh, Melvin,

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve been told that a million times. I’ve also been told that cufflinks were invented as a way for queers to identify each other, like pink triangles and cutoffs. It’s all bullshit. If anything, cufflinks make you look more manly. My Trump Collection crystal center cufflinks, the #1,747 cufflink on Amazon, will make you look so obviously hetero that no gay dude would ever mistake you for a player on his team. If you can’t afford to buy mine, you could just borrow a set from your father.

Hope this helps.

Donald